Spending the last few months reflecting on myself has been, well hard to say the least. Sometimes people can not recognize the faults they possess, I unfortunately do not have this problem. I scrutinize, divulge and criticize myself over ever hurdle. Starting my masters this week has opened the door to my hatred towards myself. WARNING: this is not a depressing, droan-like rant put out there for compliments or praise.
Don’t mistake me, I love myself as a person. I know my positives, very much so. However, from a young age, being told I was extremely intelligent and that I would ‘breeze through life’ has had such an adverse effect on my self. I felt intellectually above all my classmates and just stopped trying.
Now I look back and realise the idiot that I was, and the gift that I possessed. I KNOW that I have not reached or fulfilled my true potential. I feel that I have failed myself. When (if) you ever experience this it is harrowing to say the least. The worst person you can let down is yourself. If you truly feel that you have failed yourself it will stay with you forever and you can not help but beat yourself up over the disappointment you have self-inflicted. I am constantly doubting myself and everything that I do. I spend so much time retrospectively looking at what I didn’t do that I am consequently causing myself to fail. I doubt if I possess the mental capacity, obedience and organisation to complete my masters. However, I know I need to extinguish the self-doubt and once and for all make myself proud of who I am and what I know I can achieve. Achieving a distinction in my masters is more than achievable for myself. However, I can’t help but feel a fool sometimes for thinking this, but subsequently I then hate myself for letting my mind doubt my capability.
This is where my writing comes in. For me, writing is such a personal and emotional thing. I am not one of those people who can casually pop out an article and throw it onto the internet. Everything that I have written I believe in and have passion in, therefore when I come to producing a piece I find it extremely taxing on myself. This is the main reason I have not written anything in a while, I know the moment my pen hits the paper I open the doors to my emotions, and that scares me.
This is my favourite quote, I just have to make sure I read it from time to time to remind myself.